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Notes & Grace Notes


21 Sep, 2011 Print PDF

Supported Rebelion

KathleenK  

"Joe ... can you take a look at this?" the clean skinned youth asked as he handed the drawing over.

Joe looked at the sketch. It was a pen and ink of the dinosaur and was good enough to become a re-sellable flash - and be sold across the U.S.

"This isn't the same drawing you brought in last month," Joe commented as he inspected the intricacy of the impending tattoo.

"No ... you were right ... that one was so totally 80s..." his giggle turned into a laugh.

"Getting your first inking is really important," Joe repeated for the umpteenth time. "This is permanent. It is not reversible."

The boy was still smiling.

"But as he gets older ... will there be shrinkage? Will the colors fade?" the boy's mother asked. She was trying to make sure her oldest was fully educated before he made this leap.

"It will shrink and grow as he does. If the color fades... he can come on back and I will re-ink it," Joe said.

"Okay. Will you do the job?" the 18-year-old asked.

"Is it okay, mom?" Joe did not directly address the boy's question.

"It was his birthday last Wednesday, he's old enough to be legal now," she said gently with a hint of uncertainty as her son smiled at her.

"Okay. Sit. Take your shirt off. We're puttin' this on your arm ... right?" Joe confirmed as he reached for the epoxy. After the boy nodded, Joe affixed the drawing to the young man's deltoid.

As the needle pierced the skin, all of the mom's teasing ran through his mind, ‘puttin' poison into your body... it won't ever come off..." he began to force positive thoughts into his mind.

He passed out. Joe stopped inking him. He helped the mother load the boy into a wheelbarrow. Her brave boy was off in dreamland.

"It will be a miracle if he comes back," his mother muttered under her breath as she steered her son out of the studio.

 

(c) KathleenL

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Hmm...
Harmoni, HeadHoncho
I think this piece could be improved a great deal with a loosening of language; making the narrative more relative to the characters. As it reads now: feels stiff, lacks sensory descriptions (see, touch, taste, smell), and these factors create an unrealistic vibe throughout.
But there's plenty to work with here in the sense of scene setting- lots of sensory stimulation can be found in a tattoo parlor and in the experience itself.
Harmoni, HeadHoncho , September 27, 2011
`````````````
CatGem Editor
in addition to the basics that Harmoni mentioned, I think there needs to be some clarity (perhaps in your own mind) as to what the purpose of the story is... is it supposed to be a snapshot of a relationship? if so, whose? who's taking the picture and why? is it a character study? if so, which character, how is he/she different from anyone else in the story?

hope this helps some
CatGem Editor , September 29, 2011
...
SweetGrlJenn
As someone with several tattoos of my own, I know that the experience is a very memorable one. I think your story would benefit greatly from exploring further into the boys experience of his tattoo, more emotion could make the story more relatable
SweetGrlJenn , October 11, 2011
Supported Rebelion
Tracie Skarbo
Hello Kathleen,

When I read the first lines I was confused as to why a "clean skinned boy" was being presented. I had no idea if you were refering to his hands, because he was an artist, or another part of his body. I actually stopped reading to figure it out, which is something you never want a reader to do. Later as I read the story more I found out why you would want to use this image. Perhaps if it was presented in a different way it would work better.

Then at the end I was wondering about the concept of the wheelbarrow. I found it to be both distracting and unrealistic. Wouldn't this say to her son just how little she believed in his abilities? I would like to know more about their relationship...
Tracie Skarbo , December 14, 2011
*******
KathleenK
Hey there Tracie -- Once I get resettled (moving 2,200 miles on Saturday) I am planning on using my otherwise unproductive down time, while seeking full-time employment writing and re-writing :} And this piece will be fun to play with again.
I will admit that the "wheelbarrow" is, along with 9-other words in this creation, part of the list of 10 words I was given by the site host at Creative Copy Challenge.
www.CreativeCopyChallenge.com hosts the bi-weekly ever changing list of 10 words in a Challenge… that I tried my silly hand at 
And when the CCC says: BET YOU CAN’T do this writing prompt. Take the 10 random words below and, in the comments; crush writer’s block by creating a cohesive, creative short story tying all of them together! And remember: after (if) you finish, highlight your words and click the bold button to make them stand out and help you determine if you forgot any words. (If you’ve missed previous writing prompts, we BET YOU CAN’T do those, either.)
Well… I just had to see if I could, at that time, play with the words at hand. But thanks. I will be taking your assistance to heart. Thanks for reading. (And come join us at the CCC.)
KathleenL , December 15, 2011
********
Tracie Skarbo
Hello Kathleen,

Wow that sounds like quite the move! You are a brave woman tackling such a thing this time of year! :) Thanks for filling me in on the challenge... that makes a whole lot more sense now. Sounds like a lot of fun too!
Tracie Skarbo , December 15, 2011
******
Tracie Skarbo
And good luck with your new place!
Tracie Skarbo , December 15, 2011

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