Sinai
There’s no swirl
in the fingerlings
of voided
cellulose
Here
there’s no swell
You traced my
husk,
took these splinters
and pyramided them
Nesu-bit
at sandstone lips
kneaded,
coaxed and
coddled
to spill
and smooth
And when
I mortared
base,
chiseled toes
and nails
you took
iron to gold,
laid it bare,
scepter extended
and brow
convinced
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Subscribe to this comment's feedJust my thoughts
Clench – I need to start with – this following is Just, and I do me Just my opinion and reaction to your piece. I pray you understand to not take this personal. It is just how one set of eyes and one tortured mind perceives it. :] I hope you continue. I like the potential of it all. –Respectfully, KathleenKL
The imagery in Stanza 1 and Stz 2 have continuity, but when you jump to Stz 3 you have not transition nor continuity between the water-image and the shell-image.
Staz4--My naivety had me running to the dictionary for “Nesu-bit”, but that is not bad … because after finding out what the definition was… it is a great choice of words! But then you mix contexts… with soft stone lips that and mushy a pliable like bread dough… This confuses this reader
Stz5- shows even better promise
The imagery in Stanza 1 and Stz 2 have continuity, but when you jump to Stz 3 you have not transition nor continuity between the water-image and the shell-image.
Staz4--My naivety had me running to the dictionary for “Nesu-bit”, but that is not bad … because after finding out what the definition was… it is a great choice of words! But then you mix contexts… with soft stone lips that and mushy a pliable like bread dough… This confuses this reader
Stz5- shows even better promise
,
December 13, 2011
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I appreciate the time you took to take a look at this, and am not offended in any way, shape, or form.
I agree that 1+2 need a bridge to 3, which I'm working on.
But I do believe that Nesu-bit and sandstone work quite well, contextually. Pharoahs and monuments made of sandstone are fairly common.
However, I do think that the whole piece could use more continuity, and maybe an explanation. I've been rather torn lately, a girl I was seeing for a few months ended it abruptly, and this piece was my reaction to it. I wanted to nail down the idea of constructing something, something intimate, and then destroying it, with little remorse and regard. Without even a damn reason. God, I want to eat coals.
I agree that 1+2 need a bridge to 3, which I'm working on.
But I do believe that Nesu-bit and sandstone work quite well, contextually. Pharoahs and monuments made of sandstone are fairly common.
However, I do think that the whole piece could use more continuity, and maybe an explanation. I've been rather torn lately, a girl I was seeing for a few months ended it abruptly, and this piece was my reaction to it. I wanted to nail down the idea of constructing something, something intimate, and then destroying it, with little remorse and regard. Without even a damn reason. God, I want to eat coals.
,
December 13, 2011
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